The year I turned 21 was when everything changed. It was a slow change surely and my decision became final only six years later, but 2005 was definitely the turning point.
Ten years old is young to start baby-sitting. My first 'clients' were the twins across the street. They were in a family of seven, the youngest at almost two years old. I sang them to sleep with a lullaby I had composed when I was eight years old. For days later, the twins 'talked' about me, affectionately pointing to the lady on the red raisin box and saying, "Lala" because apparently, they thought I looked like her. Their mom was surprised by the twins' obvious affection for me.
My little brother was born when I was 11 and 1/2. January 14th, 1996. I held him, helped my mom change his diapers, babysat him as soon as he was old enough to be weaned. A friend recently asked me, "You were not nervous about holding a newborn when you were that young?" It had never even crossed my mind to be nervous about that.
Taking care of children came second nature to me. I adored them! I was familiar with the developmental stages, the differences in correction needed for the various ages and situations. I knew how to soothe crying babies or squabbling siblings. Anything I didn't know, I learned about in Child Development classes in High School, from my parents or other acquaintances with children. I listened to Focus on the Family broadcasts about Biblical/practical parenting techniques and difficulties. It is impossible to say this without sounding too prideful, but I had more experience, knowledge and wisdom at 18 when it came to caring for children of any age than many of my friends did upon having their first child in their 20s.
From the age of 10-21, I babysat extensively, played with children at church in the nurseries, worked with elementary aged children every summer for mission trips, volunteered as an adult on High Schooler's mission trips and taught their Sunday School. I had experience watching ten kids at once, all various ages. I had experience working with tantrum-disobedient two year olds, rambunctious four year olds, self-conscious eight year olds, and awkward adolescents. I have potty-trained a 3 year old and gained the respect of a class-full of inner-city teenagers.
Everyone who knew me said, "Oh you will make a wonderful mom!" I inwardly agreed, to be honest. Between the ages of 16 and 22, I had plans to get married and have about ten children of my own.
In 2005, I was working in New Jersey as a nanny for a family of twin 3 month olds and a 3 year old. At the time I had recently graduated with my Associates Degree and my only life goal was to get married and have those ten children. I was only waiting for the man to come along. To my surprise, though, I found a new feeling dawn within my spirit and it arrived on the coat-tails of the realization that I was soon to turn 21.
"What does it feel like to be in your 20s?" I asked myself. "Actually, I do not feel like I am 20, I feel like a worn out 45 year old woman with years of child-rearing ahead and behind her. I have 'raised' a lot of children already. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Maybe I want to learn a new career. I wonder what it feels like to be a 20 year old?"
That inward conversation led me to discover that I was burnt out from being a nanny. At the time, I was shocked at myself for entertaining the feeling that I couldn't even bear to have my own children, I was so burnt out. "I just need a break," I thought. "I will take a break for a while, discover my gifts, learn what it means to be my age for a while, that way I will have something to offer my own children when I have them."
For the next two or three years, I did just that. I moved around, tried different jobs, went back to school, rediscovered my love of writing, dabbled in art and dancing again.
I stopped volunteering in the church nursery, stopped nannying altogether, even did little babysitting because it would send me into a burnt out panic again. Instead, I cleaned houses, worked as an ESL teacher in an Elementary school, trained horses, worked as a lab assistant, was a wedding coordinator, secretary, substitute teacher, served in church by playing my cello or singing, helped with renovations or meal set-up, worked with the poor.
I was growing, learning and seeing the possibilities for my life expand and change. God was leading me down paths I never dreamed would actually be possible for my life! Dreams for my purpose started edging slowly away from being a mother, but I didn't notice right away.
When I was in the midst of my education at the University of Arizona, my younger sister got married and when I found out she was pregnant I was so happy for her! A few days later as I contemplated the news, a huge wave of relief swept over me. Unexpectedly, I found myself awed and exhilarated by the fact that God had not answered my many prayers to get married and have those ten children ASAP! I was a bit perplexed at this relief, but thought it was just a momentary thankfulness. I must be glad 'for the time being' that God delayed and brought other marvelous things into my life. Probably I will want children later.
December 2009, I graduated with my degree in Creative Writing and Equine Science. I hadn't thought about wanting children for a while by this point. Truth be told, I was immensely enjoying the fact that my life was not revolving around children. I had other gifts and skills! I had different possibilities and dreams for my future! I could still enjoy spending time with my nieces, nephews and the multitudes of children that my already married friends had! And I didn't have the pressure to discipline them or schedule their days or soothe their unquenchable tears...I could just pass them back to mommy and daddy with a gentle pat and smile. The idea had already started forming that I would be not necessarily mind if God never gave me the opportunity to have my own children.
For the entire time I lived in Tucson, my body started to revolt on me. Without going into too much detail, I gained about 60 lbs in a year and a half and could not get it off even after two years of dancing, riding horses, training horses and eating healthy. Other things were changing too. I went to the doctor insisting something was wrong, but he could not find anything! It wasn't until my periods started wigging out that things got even worse. One day in February 2010, I was in extreme pain and my body was scaring me. I was in my house, laying on my bed. My mom was sitting next to me. Between moans, I told her how miserable I was. Since I was ten years old I had had debilitating cramps and other related issues- 16 years of extreme pain! I told my mom that the rcent changes were more than I could bear on top of everything else and that I had considered asking for a hysterectomy. "I don't even care if I can never have children after that! Is that bad?" My mom calmly said, "Laelia, you do not HAVE TO have children! I enjoyed having you kids, but there are so many ways to be an influence in the world. I see you as having hundreds of kids in the sense that you speak to them through your writing, your childrens' stories."
Soon I would go to the gynecologist, be diagnosed with PCOS and endometrial hyperplasia, both of which have a high chance of causing infertility and cancer. I had to have an invasive biopsy done to make sure I did not have cancer and still need to be checked every year to make sure it does not develop. Since June 2010, my life has been transformed by the miracle of birth control! (I literally thank God for it almost every day!) I never thought I would ever say that, but for the first time in my life I am without that debilitating pain, not to mention it guards against my high risk of endometrial cancer.
Since my startling revelation that day in my room (and my mom's even more startling response), I have been on a long, prayerful journey. Through prayer, seeking advice from godly friends, pastors, scripture, articles and weighing my dreams, desires and gifts in light of the possibility that I could be called to remain childless by choice, I finally decided permanently that that is exactly the path I wish to take. With that decision came the assurance that I still long to be married to a godly man and have our relationship be one that glorifies the Lord. I believe that the Lord will bring me a man who is called to the same lifestyle even though it seems near impossible to find a Christian man who also loves children, but is not called to have his own. With God, nothing is impossible, though. It is my dream that we will be able to focus on our marriage and extend our influence into the lives of those around us in ways that we could not if we had our own children.
In the meantime, I am loving my seven nieces and nephews, the children of my best friends, the children in my church and on the bus or train. I grieve with my friends and siblings who desire children and are not able to conceive, or endure the heartbreak of miscarriages. I pray for God to grant them children, to heal their children. I smile at the children I come across every day, laugh with them, comfort them and play with them even more freely now because I know my calling and I have so much relief and joy in it, that I feel more free to love.
